Mother and daughter, sole survivors, sleep close after the moments of what is likely the most traumatic event of their lives. It was torturous to go to sleep following that, but somehow they did it and it was as equally torturous when they woke up. So much pain, how does one handle it all? Especially in the case of Susan, she can't just give up, she has a traumatized daughter and unborn baby to consider...
Often, Susan feels delirious each morning when she wakes up. How does one process this? That's something Susan doesn't know...she is simply trying to survive. Her belly swelling and pregnancy pains being the only thing that seems to wake her up from the fog in her mind. She decides to take a bath, trying to just wash off all of it before she turns to getting her house in order.
Understandably, the sheer physical and emotional effort of picking up the ashes takes too much out of her. She goes into bed after only an hour or two of being away from it, it's all too much. How can she do this?! Truly she could be okay dying, it's too much of a burden...her husband...son...daughter. Yet, she must stay strong. The whole ordeal of it all causes her to lose the Perceptive trait and gain the Absent-Minded trait, the fog of grief and trauma reigning.
Martha's grief feels similarly heavy yet she is still so young. The words are honestly unfathomable to write because the weight of the pain is too much. Little Martha loses her Party-Animal trait and gains the Over-Emotional trait. Not because what she is experiencing is being 0ver-emotional but rather to describe how all of it is too much for her youth. It's truly draining and changing her which is deeply sad as she is just a kid who deserves to live a youthful carefree idyllic life.
One day in the midst of it all, Susan wakes up and is determined to try harder than she has. She dresses herself and her daughter in proper mourning clothes and decides to get the house into order. Thankfully, the love of her life left the household with some thousands and she was able to get things into a sense of completion. But it doesn't really help the situation or the pain, but she does feel like at least her home isn't in disarray just herself!
In the middle of the night feeling a rage of emotions Susan unravels herself from her daughter's arms and goes to the graves of most of her family. Tears swell immediately and she just gives in to all of it. Sobs, silent tears, anger and yelling, cursing at god then sobbing again. How is she not supposed to be angry?! All her family, she had already lost three kids: Nathaniel Jr, Simon and Fanny...then a fire took two more kids and her husband. How is she not supposed to go off the rails?!
Right in the knick of time before Susan is likely to lose her shit in the truest of senses, Susan goes into labor. It's not the easiest because of mainly her emotions, the fear of possibly dying and leaving behind Martha and a newborn or the baby dying or the worst of all possible situations and leaving Martha an orphan with no siblings. She genuinely grieves in the midst of the labor, but all is well as she delivers a single baby boy, a possible heir to the Estmore name. Martha suggests the name Silas, which Susan gladly accepts giving him his father's name as a middle name. The birth of the little boy seems to begin a shift in both mother and sister.
The first day she must go back to school is not at all the easiest day for Martha, she feels so different compared to the girl she was before this. She doesn't have it in her, things are too gloomy. Spending the morning, disassociating over her meal and then when she must leave she can't help but feel nauseous. Yet, Martha keeps it to herself for her mother is going through too much.
Time doesn't heal but it does help to take her mind off of it all, especially when having a newborn in deep need. Initially, Susan didn't plan on buying an easel again but Martha insisted upon it as she knew it would be good for her mother. And Susan has proved Martha right, because Susan finds it soothing to be reminded of her artistic capabilities and passion. She decides to paint a portrait of her little boy, especially after losing the portraits of Michael and Julia she understands how meaningful art truly is. It's hard but she is trying.
When Martha isn't at school she can often be found in whatever room her mother is in. Susan truly takes no mind to it and honestly feels similarly with her daughter, any distance feels too much. The need to hold each other closer and now baby Silas is truly felt by all, the world just feels so grim. Having Silas arrive in the midst of all this is truly sad yet it serves as a guiding light, providing his mother and sister with a drive to continue and understanding the purpose of their survival.
The work of managing the household is quite the heavy weight, which of course includes physical labor. Something which Susan isn't necessarily interested in but it must be done. It's all a harsh adjustment and that's just all that can be said. Grief truly seems like a process of moving one step forward and going what feels eight back.
A part of this one step forward includes quite a rocky attempt at opening the orchard for a day, but it goes awry. Unfortunately, it seems that Susan doesn't have the grit for sales and personal interaction during this such dark time. A negative interaction between Susan and Jemima Drake takes place and absolutely sucks any of her motivation of the day. She quickly closes the shop and heads inside, into bed to hold her little one close.
At school much to Martha's surprise she becomes friends with the new girl in town, Elizabeth Proctor. Honestly, most of the kids have seemed to keep their distance especially as Martha is so different from before but this new girl walked up to Martha with a smile and it just felt precious. The two girls spent hours outside just bonding and forming quite a good friendship, certainly something Martha needed.
Grief is not linear and that's something Susan has been struggling to learn this time around, just because it was three deaths all together and well she had years with her husband, Michael and Julia. It just feels so different from past losses, one key difference being that she doesn't have a partner to work through it with her. It's infuriating and she can't help but want to lose her shit but she just decides spending hours sobbing over an empty plate is better...especially with sleeping kids.
Little Martha is also being tortured, especially at night...night terrors about the fire ringing through her mind. The worst being ones where she loses her mother as well...it's all so horrifying and she just doesn't know what to do. There is only so much consoling that her mother can provide, it is truly haunting. I just truly feel so sad for Martha, it's heartbreaking.
Susan finishes the portrait of her little boy and decides to move on to a self-portrait of her painting. It just felt natural to her especially because she wants to leave something of herself to her children, plus to just remember the strength she has. There is just something about painting her tortured and mournful self, maybe it's therapeutic? Regardless it feels freeing and relieving.
Silas Nathaniel Estmore ages up into a toddler in simple fashion, the little boy truly too young to understand everything he has grown up in the midst of. Despite his blond thick hair, Susan cannot help but feel as though the little boy looks so similar to Michael. It's hard, all of it is but Susan is determined to keep moving...Martha and this darling little boy deserve it. Nathaniel would want her to try her best.
After years of sharing a bed with her mother since the whole affair, Martha finally has the nerve to sleep upstairs in the room that she shared with her dearly departed sister. She doesn't know what gave her the want but it just felt right, even though it was scary but her mother supported her through whatever she felt she would need or want. Proud of this little girl truly!
Grief. Pain. Hurt. Tears. Silence. Breaking. Memories. Red hair. Blond hair. Gorgeous girl. Precious boy. Husband. All these words, all these experiences and all these feelings...it's just too much. It truly just feels so damn hard...how is she supposed to do this?! Sure it's been years but it feels like yesterday...it feels like it just happened before her eyes...the scene just replaying. The screams of her children, the desperation in her husband's voice, the heat and bright flames. It's exhausting to live with.
Martha has been struggling with school, which truly isn't a shocking thing to hear when you consider all of everything that has happened. She hates school and can't wait for the day when she is a teenager and doesn't need to attend. All she wants is to be with her mom, in the comfort of her own home....the world is far too scary and intimidating. Nobody understands what it's like to have experienced all she did and she knows that.
Susan adores teaching her little boy all the things every little human needs to know, it's a rewarding process and one that just comes natural to her. Silas is a good little boy with an affection for the drum and he adores spending time with his mom. Just feeling his little hands and embrace is enough to make Susan feel a sense of relief and security.
This is just sad and heartbreaking, I don't know what else to say. I just hope that Martha one day can feel a sense of distance and peace, for this little girl truly deserves it. It's just heartwrenching and painful.
Martha Diane Estmore ages up into a teenager, the past few years certainly showing upon the young lady who is wise beyond her years. She loses the Over-Emotional trait of her post-traumatic years and instead has the two traits of Coward and Family-Oriented. Martha is actually quite brave in my opinion to live with all of this pain but the world is just scary to her and to some it may seem like cowardice....although those "some" certainly have something wrong with them in my opinion. She decides upon a life devoted to family, wanting to be able to help her mother as much as possible and be there for her baby brother.
Teenagehood means freedom for Martha and no longer needing to go to school, which means days and nights full of her little brother and the mother she loves so deeply. The bond between Martha and Susan has truly deepened throughout this whole horrible nightmare and it's precious. As for Silas, well Martha is obsessed with the little boy and especially feels deeply attached. It hurts her heart (and mine) when she thinks of how sad it is her siblings didn't get to meet him. She misses Julia, especially the most and Silas helps to fill that gap as much as the little boy possibly can.
Elizabeth Proctor proves to be a great friend and calls upon Martha to play outside. The two girls have a blast together and it helps to take Martha's mind off of things plus actually be reminded of the reality of her age and what that means. She should be having fun and feeling light, but that isn't the case yet Elizabeth helps! Martha truly just feels so thankful and hopes the bond between the two continues for the rest of their lives.
This sickening and deeply sad rotation ends with the completion of Susan's self-portrait which she hands on the other side of her bed to reflect with that of her late husband's. It hurts to see such a young portrait of him and an old one of herself, but that's just how it is. She longs for his embrace and just to hear his voice, something that she has been struggling with remembering. It is all too much. But I think it's beautiful to see the two completed portraits of the founders of this family. A family full of so much love if you truly think about it!
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